if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
