If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i came on her dog
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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