I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
