if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
