How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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