I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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