oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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