Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
