how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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