Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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