1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
