Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
