My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
