My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
