Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
