When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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