he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
