don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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