Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize