Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
