Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize