There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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