I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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