I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
