I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
