Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize