The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
