My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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