I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
