A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
