I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
