My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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