Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
