You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
