There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
