Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
