The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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