I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
