It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
