i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My vagina is officially offended.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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