I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
