I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize