just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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