Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
