saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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