I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
