If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
