I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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