Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
