Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
