i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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