You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize