my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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