So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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