she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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