If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
