i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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