I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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