mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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