We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
