I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
